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Aladdin Lamp
Every young lady dreams of having a demonic servant to do her bidding,
but many parents are understandably nervous about the unhealthy influences
this circumstance might provide to their daughters. The shocking
dress preferred by most Djinns does not help matters. Our Djinns
materialize dressed in tasteful coachman's livery, and will grant only
respectable wishes, making them the perfect gift for impressionable young
ladies. In addition, our Djinns will grant not three, but four wishes!
Price: £350
Warning: J. W. Wells & Co. are not responsible for damages
arising from incautious wish selection. |
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Galvanic Therapy
By special appointment, we offer electro-biological treatment of nervous
disorders. The application of electric current through the body stimulates
the nervous tissues and calms the over-excited mind. Our patients
have found this treatment invaluable for curing nervousness, hysteria,
fainting spells, and otherwise-incurable political ambition.
Price: Call for free consultation
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Divining Rods
For centuries, the principles of Animal Magnetism have been used by peasants
to detect water using a forked stick. J. W. Wells & Co. have
improved and expanded on this principle to bring you customized locatory
implements for every need. We offer water-seeking rods to farmers,
petroleum-seeking devices to oilmen, land-mine detectors to the military,
and even top-quality lambchop locators for the exacting gourmand.
Price: Varies
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| Mystic Nosology is the study of supernatural diseases,
commonly known as curses and charms. We offer a choice selection
of these items, as well as instant relief from the charms and curses of
our competitors, at prices everyone can afford. |
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Curses
There comes a time when everyone, from palsied hags to romantic poets,
needs to inflict a curse on an enemy. J. W. Wells is ready to assist
you in your righteous revenge, with a curse for every pocketbook.
Our Penny Curse can cause a minor itch or provoke an ill-timed sneeze.
Our Shilling Curse can stain a shirt or cause serious indigestion.
Our Pound Curse can provoke a serious head-cold or ruinous bad luck at
the card table. Contact us for curses in higher denominations.
Prices: (*)
| Penny Curse |
£0.01 |
| Shilling Curse |
£0.05 |
| Pound Curse |
£1 |
(*): weekday rate. Call for weekend pricing. |
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Counter-Curses
Should one of your deceitful, wretched enemies place a curse upon you,
come to us for a quick fix. We offer antidotes for our own charms
and curses at five times the face value: for example, relief from a shilling
curse costs £0.25. However, we can dispel curses created by
our competitors for only twice their face value, due to their shoddy workmanship. |
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Waxen Effigy
For when you really mean business. Our experts will sculpt
a likeness of your enemy in wax, and establish a psychic connection between
the image and the victim. Then, let the agonies commence! Your
target will feel every pin-prick and mutilation you inflict on the wax
image. Finally, you can throw the image in the fire and watch the
victim slowly melt away. The very thing for elderly rich uncles.
Price: £100
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Good-Luck Charm
Lead a charmed life with J. W. Wells & Co.! Our charm is guaranteed
to deflect 100% of all curses purchased from J. W. Wells & Co. (up
to and including the 1-Pound Curse), as well as most of our competitors'
curses. Our patented Curse-Alarm system notifies you whenever a curse
is directed at you, and indicates the guilty party. Our 1-year lease
financing ensures that you always have the latest model, so your defense
never becomes outdated.
Price: £50 / year
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| As any businessperson knows, the first step in doing
business in a strange land is speaking the language. Other companies
may claim to be able to speak with the dead, but are they fluent in wight,
ghoul, ghost, haunt, spectre, zombie, will-o-wisp, shade, banshee, vampire,
and rusalka? Our spirit philologists can speak with anything, regardless
of corporeality or state of decay, and convince it to come to your aid. |
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Seance
How many times has this happened to you? You've invited your all
the best members of Society to your party, you've bought a new dress from
Paris for the occasion, and your chef has excelled himself in preparing
the meal. But it all comes to naught when the medium you've hired
for the evening fails to produce so much as a sigh from beyond the grave.
Next time, go with J. W. Wells & Co. All of our mediums bring
guaranteed results!
Price: £500 per evening
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Miraculous Resurrection Pill
We've all heard about the wonders of cardiac defibrillators and CPR, but
it can't be denied that modern medicine has an appalling track record in
bringing people back from the dead. Wouldn't you feel safer carrying
around our Resurrection Pill, in case of emergency? Chocolate coated
for easier swallowing. Warning: wait 1 hour for full potency.
Most effective on Mostly-Dead persons. For our All-Dead customers,
we recommend our Seances, above.
Price: £1000
The Miraculous Resurrection Pill is sold under license from
Miracle Max's Miracles, Inc. |
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Horoscope
Your stars foretell danger and uncertainty in the months ahead. Fortunately,
a wise advisor will enter your life, bringing aid and advice -- perhaps
of supernatural kind?
Price: £0.50
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Prophetic Tablets
The on-the-go business person has always needed tomorrow's information
today. But until now, prophetic devices have been large, bulky tabletop
models. Our Prophetic Tablets are small enough to fit in your pocket,
allowing you to prognosticate anywhere, anytime. Our Tablet VII includes
an ethereal communications system, allowing you remote access to the world's
most powerful prophets, no matter where your destiny takes you.
Prices:
| Tablet III |
£150 |
| Tablet V |
£200 |
| Tablet VII |
£300 |
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Nativity
The pathways of a person's destiny are clearest when they're first born.
Then,the portents are unclouded by experience and memory. Our nativities
can tell you whether a child will be intelligent (better start saving for
college!), brutish (better be strict with his discipline!), or have magical
aptitude (have you considered apprenticing her to J. W. Wells & Co.?)
Price: £1
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Love Philtre
A wise man once said, "Money can't buy you love"... but now it can!
Our Patent Oxy-Hydrogen Love-at-First-Sight philtre is simply infallible.
Whoever drinks of it loses consciousness for twelve hours, and on waking
falls in love with the first lady he meets who has also tasted it, and
his affection is at once returned. Compounded on the strictest moral
principles: has no effect on married people.
Prices:
| fluid ounce |
£50 |
| pint |
£500 |
| 4 1/2 gallon cask |
£20,000 |
| nine gallon cask |
£30,000 |
| hogshead |
£200,000 |
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